Ugh. Worst part of my day is waiting for my brain to start. Appliances have Start buttons. Machines have pull-starts, kick-starts, electric ignition systems. Not me. Paperwork comes out, stare at some numbers, realize I zoned out staring at numbers, put paperwork down. Repeat this process three times and then go make some tea.
People worry about alcohol and drug dependency, but we've given the caffeine-dependent a pass. Rightly so. No one wants rehab centers full of sleepy, uninitiated office professionals, trying with every fiber of their being to make the switch to decaf. No one wants TMZ chronicling Lindsay Lohan's shameful walk back into Bellevue, again, this time for her combination oxycontin-and-espresso meltdown. Pills and beans; so sad.
Besides, society would shut down without caffeine: productivity would plummet, naps would skyrocket. (Aside: "skyrocket is one of those weird verbs that, lets be honest, is actually a noun.) We'd have the GDP of Luxembourg within a week. Bums passed out in the alley would now have company from business execs, just trying to grab a few winks on their lunch breaks, unable to admit their lack of natural drive to their coworkers. Remember the 60's, when a businessman could have a full bar in his office, on one of those little booze carts, and no one thought it excessive? No one wants to look back on the 10's as the good old days, when an employee could just get up from his desk and refill his coffee mug. Just refill away, as many times as he or she liked.
And so, caffeine stays. Meth is definitely out, marijuana too. Booze or smokes are gonna require an ID. Trans fat, salt, and fructose are treated worse than bankers are these days. But if you're gonna take my caffeine away, you're gonna hafta pry this mug from my cold, dead hands.
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